That guilty feeling
by Yuuki Sakurai
Summary: Hikaru/Kaoru twincest love story
1. Chapter 1 HIKARU

_**That guilty feeling**_

**chapter one**

_Hikaru_

Shh. You don't want him to hear you. I peek from the door, blush, and turn back. WHAT AM I THINKING!?!?! My heart is racing a mile a minute, my face feels like it's spouting lava, and my hands.......they wont stop shaking. I lean against the wall and press my hand against my cheast.

It all started last night. At that dinner party at school. Because Tamaki had to go ALL out. We had all been there, the whole club. And even though we're filthy rich Tamaki suggested we all helped clean up when the party had ended. What, was he trying to show off for Haruhi? Well this didn't matter. What mattered was when me and Kaoru were putting everything up in the storeroom.

If only I hadn't been so clumsy. If only that streamer hadn't been hanging for me to trip on. But I _was_ clumsy and i _did _trip. Right when Kaoru had turned to me. The things in my arms fell to the ground and so did I, on top of Kaoru! Our faces almost touching, inches away from each other.

I don't remember how long we stayed there, but to me it felt like forever. How close his lips were from mine. How deep I could look into his eyes. How his breath felt on my face, and how I so badly wanted to touch him; stroke his cheek or brush away a hair. But my hands were frozen. And I was slapped back into reality.

"Ah!" I practically jumped up, "M-my bad!"

Kaoru had merely chuckled, "Not your fault, c'mon, we've got to put this stuff up so we can get home."

And once we had got home, into our bed, and asleep, I had a dream. About our faces that close. But I didn't just touch his cheek. I also pressed my lips against his. Slipped my tongue into his mouth, and clenched my hands in his hair. And it felt so good, so right, so perfect; as if i had finally understood what our bond really meant.

But when I had woken up this morning, my cheeks warm and my heart heavy; I didn't understand what was going on, and what that dream had exactly meant. Why I had started feeling so strange. Why I wanted to touch him when I had awoke, and yet, felt guilty about touching him. As if it were wrong. As if these feeling were much more than brotherly love.

Which brings us back to me; leaning against the wall with my hand against my cheast. I had already gotten dressed, and had went to the kitchen for breakfast, which was when I noticed I had left my watch back in the room. But when I had met face to face with our door, my hand reaching for the knob, was when I peered through the crack; and saw him getting dressed. A strange bubbly feeling had erupted from my stomach and my cheeks went hot. I almost opened the door, almost walked in, and almost put myself in an awkward situation.

I let my heart calm down and turned to leave, but I hadn't noticed the vase on the table inches away; and bumped into it as I had turned. I tried to catch it, my hands grasping air, and it shattered to the ground.

"Whaaaaaaa!" My face went red as I stared at the remains of the flowers and shattered glass.

"Hikaru?" Kaoru opened the door, to reveal that he was wearing NO SHIRT! My cheeks flamed, "Are you ok?"

"Y-y-y-y-y-y-y-yes of course!" I nervously laughed loudly, "I'm just so clumsy!"

"Oh, Hikaru." And before I know what's happening, he's so close, holding my hand to his face, "You've got a cut."

I snap my hand away, "It's ok! I can take care of myself! Now go get a shirt on!"

He looked at me with wide eyes, "Are you sure your ok? You seem a little jittery today."

I turn away from his beautiful eyes. I can't let him see me blush, "I really am fine."

"Well, ok." He shuts the door behind him.

I clean up the shards of glass. I set the flowers in a new vase. And I washed away my cut and put a band aid on: as if it were like any other day. But it's not. Because unlike every other day: my heart wont stop racing a mile a minute.


	2. Chapter 2 KAORU

Chapter two

_**Kaouru **_

I pulled on my shirt, and tied around my tie. My eyes darted to the door and I sighed. I can't believe what happened last night. True, I had been looking forward to the party and spending time with Hikaru and Haruhi, picking on Tamaki, and acting up for the gullible girls. But when-when THAT happened! Oh, god.

I don't even know how we got in that position. I don't know he fell and got on top of me. But I liked it. The way he was so close to me. Our lips close enough to.......STOP!

I had to act like everything was normal. To laugh it off. To hide what I really feel. But..........

I turn to the mirror.

Everything wasn't normal. It wasn't ok. Nothing was ok. Because, for as long as I can remember; I've loved him. Even when we were kids, all I could think about was him. His happiness. All I wanted to do was see him smile. Because when he could laugh, I could laugh. And when he cried, I cried.

I sat on the bed and took off my tie. I'm not proud of my feelings. I'm not proud that sometimes at night, I want to reach over and touch him, feel him, tell him how my stomach flips by his mere touch. His smile. His breath. I'm not proud with knowing that without my twin: my life would crumble out of existence. Because I need him. I need him the way a flower needs water, the way people need love.

A day without him is nothing. And that's so wrong. I know it is. I know I shouldn't feel this way. Shouldn't dream about him. Yet, my heart wont stop beating. My palms wont stop sweating. And those images wont go away.

I bet the way he's acting weird is because of what happened. He probably feels disgusted. Probably hates me so close, so near, so touchable. My heart ached. There's no way we could be together. No way we could.....have a future. Because it's so wrong, I'd hate to see how he's react if he knew I loved him.

Of course he doesn't know how I feel. He's so dense, he wouldn't even notice if I had shaved my head bald. Which is kinda bad and good at the same time. Bad because I have to conceal my feelings, good because he doesn't know how I feel.

There's a knock on my door, "Kaoru, it's time to get to school."

I sighed and got up. But before I left I turned to the mirror.

_You are twins. Brothers. You don't love him, he doesn't love you. _

And went out the door, leaving the tie behind. Just act cool.


	3. Chapter 3 HIKARU

**Chapter Three**

_Hikaru_

Just act cool. I kept telling myself that as we were on our way to school. I couldn't keep my eyes off of him as he stared out the window. My hands clenched at my knees and I hung my head. What is _wrong_ with me?

"Hikaru?"

I looked up at him, "Hm?"

"Do you have to poop?"

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaa? Where did you get that?!?"

"The way your sitting." He said blankly, "We'll be their in a few, then you can go."

"Kaouru, I don't have to-"

"I wonder if Haruhi..........." He looked back at the window, "Never mind."

Kaoru? What was he going to say about Haruhi? And why did he change his mind? I gazed at him for a while, then sighed and looked down at my feet. Why was I acting so stupid? Why did I feel so awkward all of a sudden? As if I was self conscious in front of Kaoru.

I wish I could tell him what was going through my head. How I was confused, how I felt. Because he'd have a way of making it go away. Making it disappear. He'd laugh and tell me to not worry. Just his smile would brighten me up. but I can't really tell him what I'm thinking about, now can I? Because what would he say? How would he react?

"Hikaru! Kaoru!"

We had pulled up to the school. Tamaki was outside our car, banging on our window, and shouting our names.

"Tamaki-Senpai, stop doing that." Haruhi's voice.

Kaoru gets out first, then me. Tamaki flings his hands rapidly and sways back in forth in poses.

"Didn't last nights party go well?" He flipped his hair, "I'm a genius, no?"

"No." Both Kaoru and I say.

"Wha!" Tamaki teared up, "That's not very nice."

"Morning Haruhi!" We chorused.

"Hm? Oh, morning Hikaru, morning Kaoru." She looked up at us with her big eyes, "Is something wrong Hikaru?"

My eyes went big, "Ah ha ha, nothing's wrong Haruhi! What could possibly be wrong?"

Hunny and Mori came up, "Morning you guys!" Hunny smiled, pink flowers surrounding his smile.

"We should get to class." Haruhi said, holding up my arm, looking at my watch.

I peeked over at Kaoru. He was looking away. So we headed to class, Tamaki and Kyouya left together. Mori and Hunny were in the other direction. Haruhi walked in-between me and Kaoru. I couldn't help but feel this awkward aura passing through us.

"Um, not that I don't love being around you guys," We turned to look at Haruhi, "But I can tell there's something going on between you too that needs working out."

I looked over at Kaoru, he rhythmically looked at me. Did he notice too? Did he notice that I had been acting different? And had he guessed why?

"Kaoru-"

"Students, students! No dilly dally in the halls!" Cried the student body president.

I clenched my teeth together. Haruhi went in before us, Kaoru led me to a seat, and the president shut the door behind us. The president began a long speech about our class vacation next week. Kaoru tugged on my shirt.

"Hikaru, I've been thinking about what happened last night."

"Yeah, I have too." I said. I braced myself for the worst. Like how he hated the feeling and how he hopes we're never that close again. Maybe he wont want to sleep in the same bed anymore?!?! Maybe, Maybe……….

"And I was thinking that maybe we should forget about it." He was looking down at his desk.

My heart sunk. Forget about it? Wash it away from my mind? I gripped my hand. It would make everything easier wouldn't it? To just not think about it anymore. It would save us a lot of drama. And awkward questions.

"Yeah, I think your right."

He looked up at me. His eyes were a mask of emotions. I couldn't read anything. Then suddenly he turns to Haruhi whose pen is dangling from her mouth.

"Haruhi, what do you think about going to the beach?"

"The beach?" She took the pen from her mouth and began playing with it, "Didn't we just recently go there?"

"Yeah," I lean my chair back so that I can join the conversation, "like last year. What if we went for our class field trip?"

"Well, I mean-"

"It's settled!" Kaoru and I clasp hands and stand up, "Lets go to the beach!"

"The beach?" One of our recurring customers named Midori says, "It's too close, can't we got out of country?"

"Oh, Hikaru." Kaoru says shyly, he's acting it up, "They don't want to go to the beach with us."

"It's ok Kaoru," I stroke his hair, "Maybe we could just go on our own, who knows what we could do all alone?"

"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" All the girls screech, "Of course we'd love to go to the beach!"

"Mission accomplished." I smile.

Though I had no idea why Kaoru was wanting to go to the beach of all places.


	4. Chapter 4 KAORU

AUTHORS NOTE: **Hello! Yuuki here! This is my first story for Hikaru and Kaoru, and I'm really nervous about how to keep the story flowing. I just want to thank the people that have **_**already **_**favorited/messaged me. I loved reading what everyone had to say, and I'm so glad that so far everyone likes it ^^ I just hope that everyone will stay with me until the end. I just recently got the 13th**** Host Club, and enjoyed it very much ^^ BTW, if anyone has any requests, or ideas for me, ill gladly take them, and any questions I'll greatly answer, thank you for sticking with me this far!**

**P.S. The beach mentioned in this chapter is the Otaru Dream Beach found in Hokkaido, Japan. No research was done, so if I get something wrong I'm super sorry but I'm not good at researching locations! **

* * *

**Chapter Four**

_Kaoru_

The week passed by quickly, we all packed together, Milord begging to go along. Both Hikaru and I declining him; until Kyouya had replied that the entire Host Club had planned to come along, class field trip or not. Haruhi rolled her eyes and said there was no point trying to argue. So that's how we got to Otaru Dream Beach, the seven of us, and our class.

It had been bothering me. When he had agreed. When I looked into his eyes and found no regret, no wonder, no curiosity. No love. My heart had sunk into my stomach; because apparently I was the only one who had been thinking about it. He had already chucked that memory away. And when we came home earlier that day I had to lie to him as he knocked on the door,

"Kaoru, are you ok?"

"I'm fine. I'm just feeling a little sick."

I didn't want him to see me cry.

The beach had come to mind by a novel I had read recently. About a woman who had fallen in love with a man that hadn't loved her back. She came to the beach over the summer. And drowned herself when no one was watching.

Of course I'm not thinking about drowning myself. I'm nowhere near suicidal. But thinking about Hikaru does make me depressed. I love everything about him. We've always said that we were twins; born from the same egg. We were identical, mirror images. But he was different from me. He had things that I envied. Such as being care free. Or outgoing, or overly happy. It would have been me that wouldn't survive if the egg had been one.

I think I'll always cling to him, like the hopeless person I am, until he doesn't need me anymore. Because I know he wont. He proved it to me when he agreed to forget about the incident. Hikaru will be able to move on. I'll still be standing here, waiting for the ending that will never happen.

"Waaaah! Kao-Chan!"

I blinked twice before remembering where I was and what I was doing. Hunny-Senpai held a shovel, Mori was a few feet away from him holding a bucket. The sand castle we had been building was now a big blob of sand.

I pointed to it, "What happened?"

"You destroyed it! Kaoru you big meanie!"

I guess I hadn't been paying attention. I muttered an apology, then my eyes caught sight of Hikaru. He was out in the water with Tamaki and a few of our customers. He was laughing, I could hear it all the way from here.

"Kaoru?"

I blinked again. Note to self; stay in reality. It was Haruhi. She was wearing a blue sweater and black shorts. Her eyes were as wide as ever.

"Yeah, Haruhi?"

"Do you want to go collect seashells with me? Near that cave?"

I looked over to where she was pointing. The cave was pretty big and round. Not a lot of people were near there, almost deserted.

"Sure." I get up and dust my shorts off.

We walk over there quietly. Haruhi seemed to be peering at the clouds. I tried to keep my eyes off Hikaru. When we finally got there, Haruhi noticed she hadn't brought a pail. She hurried back over to Hunny and Mori. I sat in the sand.

Even here, surrounded by laughing girls and saltwater in the air, I can't stop thinking about him. About how I can never be with him, no matter how hard I tried. I clenched my hair, tears slipping from my eyes. It just wasn't fair. Everyone else can show their feelings so freely. But mine are locked up like a treasure cheast, hidden deep down in my heart. I know only I can open it, but can I really?

I feel a hand on my shoulder. I look up at Haruhi's big soft eyes. I pout and wipe away the remaining tears. I don't want anyone to see me like this. She sat next to me, setting the pail between us.

"Y'know, the reason I asked you to come with me is because I thought you needed some cheering up." She frowned, "I guess I'm not doing a very good job."

"Oh, Haruhi." I shook her hair playfully, "That's very nice of you."

"But, cant you talk to me? I really do want to help."

"I know." I stood up, "But I don't think you can help with this sort of thing. Besides," I brightened my mood and smiled, "I've got to be a man!"

"But Kaoru-"

"Hm, I wonder if there are more seashells on top of the cave?"

"Don't be stupid, it's too dangerous."

She was too late. I was already climbing the rocks, "Are you going to join me Haruhi?"

"Kaoru, slow down!"

I could feel her under me, making her way up. It took awhile but soon I was standing on top of the cave, peering down at everyone below me.

"A little help here!"

"Oh!" I pulled Haruhi up, "Sorry about that."

"Wow, look at this view."

I smiled at her. I once questioned my feelings for Haruhi. I loved her, but she could never be more than friend. We were close, and I knew I could trust her. I'm happy she broke that vase so long ago.

"Hay look Akami!" A voice called, "It's the Host Club!"

"Your kidding!"

Two boys I recognized had made their way up onto the cave. One was Akami, he was in mine and Haruhi's class. The other I recognized as Ebisu, I had a class with him in grade school. They both looked drunk.

"The stupid Host Club." Akami sneers, "Always taking our girls."

Ebisu spat on the ground, "Your all disgusting, especially you!" He points to me, "I know the stories about you."

Haruhi and I backed up a bit. I may be a guy, but I'm not the best at fighting. That's Hikaru. And these guys were _built. _As in six pack, guns instead of arms, built. I gulped. I felt Haruhi shiver beside me.

"It's ok." I stood in front of her, "I'll protect you."

"Kaoru don't be stupid!"

"Oh ho!" Akami takes me up by my neck, "Protecting your little gay lover hm?"

I punched him with all my might. Right in the face. I guess it was pretty bad because he let me go. Right off the cave. Into the weightless air.

"Kaoru!"


	5. Chapter 5 HIKARU

**Chapter Five**

_Hikaru_

I sighed. I didn't know it was going to be this hot. I should've brought sunscreen, now I'm going to get burned. That was when a huge splash of water rinsed by front.

"Stop daydreaming Hikaru!" Tamaki said.

I flipped him off his surfboard he had been lounging on. He came back up spluttering water.

"Hikaru your so mean!"

I had to laugh. He looked just too funny. Then when my sides began to hurt, all the memories rushed back into my head. His hair, his eyes, his lips. Argh! Just forget about it! Just like Kaoru said. Forget about him. About us. So close. Forget. But do I want to?

I shook my head. I guess I'm just too confused.

"Hikaru! Go fetch drinks for the ladies!" Tamaki demanded.

"You go get 'em!" I shouted back. Then I thought better of it, "Whatever."

I paddled to the shore and stuck my board into the sand. There was a snack bar somewhere around here. I'd just have to find it. My feet shuffled through the sand, letting it pour into my sandals. What did this mean? What did wanting to be with him every moment of my day mean? I can't think clearly without him running through my mind. Kaoru, what does this mean, and do you feel this too?

"Hey cutie."

I turn my head to a woman standing behind a counter. She waved her hand and winked an eye.

"Can I get you anything?"

Just my luck. It was the snack bar. I ordered drinks, and as she prepared them, I looked up to the clouds. It really _was _nice out. I brushed my hair from my eyes. Oh Kaoru, what am I going to do? I'm so lost. I wish I could figure this out, have a book or treasure map to show me what to do, where to go.

"Kaoru!"

My heart stopped. Wasn't that Haruhi's voice? I looked around. That was when I saw him. Falling, almost floating, through mid air. The rest happened in slow motion. I don't know how fast I was running. But it felt like I was flying. The air was almost like a barrier, trying to slow me down. But I wouldn't let it.

_**SPLASH! **_My heart sunk, but my brain was focused on reaching the water. I dipped into the freezing water, ignoring the Goosebumps on my skin. There he is, sinking deeper into the water. His eyes were closed. I picked up my pace. I pumped my legs harder and harder, faster and faster.

I reached my hand out………and grabbed his motionless arm. I took him into my arms and swam to the surface. I gasped in the air. But Kaoru was still unconscious. My blood went cold. I carried him back to the shore and splayed him against the sand as everyone huddled around us. One of them was Haruhi, teary eyed.

My hands pumped against his cheast. 1.…..2.…….3. I pry open his lips and breathe out. Again and Again.

Please! Please god! You can't die on me! Kaoru you can't! The tears wont stop coming. His breath wont come back. I can't give up, my hands are a rhythmic pattern. I can't live without you! I don't care if you want me to forget about that night, I still think about it, about you! I want YOU Kaoru! Don't leave me!

"_You're twins" _Our mother said_, "How lucky! You get to be together forever!"_

Do we? 1.….2.….3.…Do we get to be together forever? Breathe in.

*Cough Cough* Oh my god. I burst into sobs as I hold Kaoru against my cheast. I'm the luckiest person alive.

"Hikaru? I'm…so sleepy." He collapses onto me. And all I can do is laugh. Because I've ran out of tears.

A few hours later and we're all booking at a hotel. Hunny and Mori have already gone to sleep. Tamaki took Haruhi to a big buffet upstairs. I hope they have fancy tuna. I chuckled to myself. Kyouya? Actually, I haven't seen him since he had taken care of those goons. I shrugged.

I was in our room, reading a manga I had picked up. Kaoru was in the bed beside mine, sound asleep. He hadn't woken up since he had collapsed on me. I looked over at him. He was so peaceful sleeping. All of a sudden I wanted to touch him.

I shook my head and got up. Maybe I just need some fresh air. But to get out I had to cross by Kaoru's bed. I looked at him again, and the next thing I know my hand is reaching out to touch him. My other hand flails about, I shouldn't be doing this. But my hand finally rests against his cheek. He's hot. Chills go down my spine and I back up onto my bed.

What am I thinking?!? I try to focus back onto my book. But I kept looking back at him. I can't believe I almost lost him today. Jut a few hours ago. He could be dead right now. I shivered. My hand reaches to my lips. I had to breathe that air into him. Did that count as kissing? My stomach flopped at the thought. My heart beating faster. Did I _want _it to count?


	6. Chapter 6 KAORU

**Authors Note: **Konichiwa! (did I spell that right?) Yuuki here! I just want to thank all my readers and the reviews I've been getting, (tears) I wish I could get more but that's being too selfish, no? Well anyway, I have a job for my awesome readers (Don't you feel awesome?) As I had mentioned in one of the chapters……….? Cant remember which one, but I _did _mention it: I'm having trouble with the story flow. So if anyone has requests for the next few chapters please send them to me ^^ I'd appreciate it _very _much! (bows)

**On this Chapter's note: **You've all probably been wondering why this story is rated M. I mean hell, they haven't even cussed yet, right? Well in this chapter, (grips hand dramatically) Is where it gets _really intense!!!! _BUT at the end of the chapter you might hate me, haha! We shall see.

* * *

**Chapter Six **

_Kaoru_

"_Kaoru? Kaoru!"_

I open my eyes. I notice we're back at home, in our room. I must be lying on the bed because there's a pillow beneath me and I can spot our dresser from the corner of my eye. But I didn't take that all in at first. What I _did _take in was the person sitting on top of me.

"Hikaru? What are you doing?"

"You were screaming in your sleep. I tried to wake you up, but you wouldn't. I guess I got a little worried, and hopped on you and tried to shake you awake."

"Oh."

I was feeling a bit turned on as he sat on me, so close to me, and I hope to god he couldn't feel it. My entire body was surging as he leaned a little closer to me.

"I, was so scared." He leans in a little more and his eyes droop. My first thought is he's falling asleep. Which I wouldn't really mind actually. I know! I'm a pervert! But that thought rushes away when I see that he's not falling asleep at all. He's looking at my lips.

He leans in a bit closer, looks dead straight into my eyes. I'm the one that closes the gap between us. It's really nice and soft at first, we're just using our lips. But then he pries open my mouth with his tongue and soon their dancing together. He lowers his head onto my neck and pecks me. Sucks on my skin. I gasp in for air. If I don't I'll suffocate from all this lust.

Before I know it, he's heading down. And I know what he's got in mind. My blood runs cold and I stop him where he is.

"Don't." It's fear.

"Don't be scared." And he keeps lowering, kissing skin as he goes.

Finally he stops, rips off my clothes. I grasp the sheets with all my might as he puts me into his mouth. I can feel his tongue wrap around me, sucking on me like a lollipop. And fear turns into pleasure as a moan escapes my lips.

He comes back up and he's on my lips. I suck on his bottom lip, ecstasy running in my bones as I rip his clothes off in return. The fear pulses back as he takes my legs and thrusts them in the air. He forces himself into me. I shut my eyes in pain. It hurts, it hurts so bad, I cling to the bedpost for support. But then it feels so good, I don't want him to stop.

Soon we're done and through, he lays against me, sticky and wet; all thanks to my bodily fluids. I breathe him in, he smells so good. And I feel so safe in his arms. I'm about to close my eyes when he whispers in a low tone;

"Stay with me forever."

I open my eyes. I look around me. The walls are painted a baby blue. There's a desk on one side, and the other is another bed. And on the bed is Hikaru, fast asleep. I'm in a hotel room. I sit up and rub my eyes. But that was pointless. Because I had already began crying.

What a beautiful dream.

* * *

REMEMBER: I _really do _need ideas! I have no idea what to do for the next few chapters: so its up to you! If I don't get any ideas I wont be able to continue (tears) I'll be looking forward to them!


	7. Chapter 7 HIKARU

**Chapter Seven**

_Hikaru_

_Hm? What….what's that noise? It's so soft. Kinda, sad. What is it? The phone? Too loud. The bed? Too soft. Is someone knocking on the door?_

I roll over to my side. I _really _don't want to wake up. But that noise, it's becoming clearer now. I sit up and rub my eyes. My head feels foggy, I need more sleep. But that noise will keep bothering me, I better find out what it is.

It doesn't take long, as I turn my head, and find my brother sitting up on his bed. The covers tucked around his body. But his hands were to his face, and coming from his mouth, so clearly, were faint sobs that caused my heart to ache.

"Kaoru?"

His hands lower to his chin, only for a moment. But a moment is long enough for me. His eyes had been wide, the color of honey, and tears had streaked down his face. It seemed as if he had been crying for awhile because his cheeks were already puffy. But as soon as that had all sunken in, his hands were covering his eyes once again.

My heart skipped a few beats, and my brain raced a mile more. Why was he crying? Had something happened while I was asleep? Did he have a nightmare? None of these mattered as I climbed into his bed and wrapped my arms around his small body. Before I could catch myself I rest my head against his shoulder and my breath gets stuck in my throat.

"Hikaru?" His voice breaks.

"I-" How do I explain this? "I don't like seeing you cry." At least it was truthful.

He moves his head and looks up into my eyes. My heart swells at his stare. I look at his lips, but only for a second, then I'm back at his eyes. I brush away a stray hair and tuck it behind his ear.

Should I-should I tell him now? Should I express everything that's been racing through my mind? Because for some reason, holding him so close to my heart, has built my confidence up times a million. And for some reason, maybe its insanity, I believe that he'll be ok with what I've got to say. He'll maybe understand. And maybe, just maybe, he'll feel the same way.


	8. Chapter 8 KAORU

**Chapter Eight**

_Kaoru_

Maybe I should tell him. Exactly how I feel. Because from where I'm sitting, maybe he feels the same way. Or maybe it's just my sick mind, twisting his kindness into something it's not. And maybe he wont like me back, but I've still got to know, don't I? I've still got to ask. I'll take this chance before he can leave my grasp.

"Hikaru, there's something I need to tell you."

He stare's intently into my eyes. I gulped, I hope he didn't hear it. Or see the nervousness dilating my eyes. I opened my mouth to speak, to tell him what I've locked inside; when our room door slams open.

"Hikaru! Kaoru!" Tamaki shouts, "Something's happened!"

We both hop out of bed and onto our feet.

"What happened milord?!"

He moved so we could see Haruhi, sitting against the wall.

"Haruhi has eaten too much! She has a bad stomach ache."

"So?" We throw our hands in the air in unison, "What does that have to do with us?!"

"I think I'm going to be sick." Haruhi clutches her stomach.

"Oh no." Hikaru takes her hand and leads her to the bathroom. I turn to Tamaki and frown, "Your not welcome in here. Go away."

"But Haruhi!"

I slammed the door in his face. Then I turned around, sunk into the ground, with my back against the door. I pressed my hands against my face. I can't cry. I have to stop myself from crying. I don't want Hikaru fussing over me.

What am I doing? I'm just torturing myself. Because I know. I do. That he doesn't like me back. I would have noticed by now. He would have hinted. Or something. But- it wont happen. It will _never _happen. Maybe that was a sign. Tamaki walking in on us. It was a sign that I shouldn't express my feelings. It was a sign that I would just get hurt.

Now it's really hard to stop the tears from coming. Because it hurts so much. It's just a hole in my heart that will never be filled. An unrequited love.

So now I'll have to get over him, but how? Maybe I should go somewhere. Italy sounds nice. Maybe I'll visit my dearest aunt who never writes anymore. Either way I should ignore him, but is that really a good idea, won the just follow me? I smiled. He would, wouldn't he. I could see it now.

Finally the two of them resurface from the bathroom. I quickly stand up. Hikaru looks at me funny, but our Haruhi grabs our attention as she falls atop my bed. We both hurry to see if she's ok. Her eyes are closed, she's fast asleep.

I look at Hikaru, he's already staring at me. I blush and look away.

"Why were you crying? When I woke up, what happened?"

I went scarlet. What do I say now? I couldn't possibly tell him that I had a dream about us having sex and that I was sad because it would never……it would never happen. Never come true. I shake the thoughts away. I need an excuse.

"B-bad dream." The best I could come up with, "I, uh, I don't even remember what it was about now. Silly really."

"Oh." He stared at me awhile more, "Well, I guess I'm going to sleep."

"Me too."

I scoot Haruhi over a bit and lay beside her. I look over at Hikaru, but he's facing the wall. I really should give up. I really have lost. All this time I've been so absorbed with him, I've been so in love with him. I can't make up for them now. I don't think I can make up for them ever. I've spent all my time on someone that will never love me back.

My hand clasps around Haruhi's as my eyes slightly droop, one thought comes to mind as I fall into a dreamless sleep; I'm nothing.


	9. Chapter 9 HIKARU

**Author's note: **Hello everyone! Yuuki here! How was everyone's weekend? I'm so very sorry that I haven't updated in SO long, but over the weekend I got really sick and had terrible headaches; so I couldn't write _anything. _I'll try and make it up to everyone (bows) There's only about four chapters left, so everything's going to go by pretty fast. Or slow? I think this chapter might be slow? For me to write anyways, haha, I hate boring parts.

* * *

**Chapter Nine**

_Hikaru_

The Host Club has returned from their trip to the beach. On the top floor of the south wing, at the end of the northern hallway, the door opened to a fairytale land of princes.

"Oh Tamaki," Swoons a girl, "won't you be _my _prince?"

"Of course my lovely maiden," Tamaki says, flowers surrounding his face, "I am all yours."

"Once upon a time," Hunny sat on a comfy chair, all the girls surrounded him, he was reading from a child's fairytale book, "There was this….was this…." Tears swelled in his eyes.

"What's wrong Hunny-Senpai?" The girls cooed.

"Mitskuni." Mori was beside him in a flash. He looked down in the book, "The word is noble."

"Oooooh. Thank's Takashi!" Hunny smiled brightly and continued his story, "Once upon a time there was there was this noble prince,"

"Oh Haruhi you look so manly today." Haruhi sits at a table with three other girls, "I'd just love to see what you'd do if I were ever in danger."

"What?" Haruhi replies, "I couldn't stand it if you were ever in danger."

Kyouya sits at his table writing in his black book. Two girls make their way over.

"So Kyouya-Senpai," Pipes one girl, "Will there be photos of today's costumes that we could buy?"

"Certaintly," Kyouya smiles to them, "For the right price."

"Hikaru?"

I blink my eyes. I had been staring off at everyone, trying to find my brother. He had been awfully quite since we had gotten back from the beach. He hadn't spoken a word to me last night, and now today he wasn't showing up for the Host club. I wonder if he's mad at me?

"Hikaru, will you please stop ignoring us?"

I looked over to the group of girls the hovered around me like sick puppies. It wasn't like I could do brotherly love all by myself.

"Sorry ladies." I smiled, trying to think up what to do next, "I was looking for Kaoru."

"Oh, he wasn't here today was he?"

Actually he was. He just gave everyone the silent treatment. He must have gone home early. I sighed.

"Sorry ladies, but you know Kaoru. He can't be in battle. I'd have to protect him." Just keep it going as if he weren't here.

"Oh my," The girls blush in a frenzy.

Haruhi passes by, I take hold of her gown, "Haruhi, have you seen Kaoru?"

"I thought you knew he was leaving." Haruhi said, "He left right after school let out. Said he wasn't feeling well."

"Oh."

"Hikaru, is something going on between you two?" Her eyes fill with concern.

Do you want the truth, Haruhi? I have no idea. I'm confused. I mean, I know why I'm all flustered about, but him? Oh no, did he…….? Is he in love with someone? Is that why he's been acting so strangely? Did he meet someone. The edges of my heart began to crack. I had to fight back the tears that dared to spill from my eyes. I guess I never had the chance.

But, that can't stop me from revealing my own feelings, can it? I mean, I need to stop this. Whatever is going on between him and this other person; what if I could stop it? Told him I loved him and he'd come to me? That can't just happen in fairytales and movies, right?

"Tell us Hikaru, would you fight for us in battle?" One girl says shyly.

"No."

"Huh? What-"

"No. I wouldn't fight for anyone at this table. There's, only one person I'd fight for. And I have to go fight for him right now."

And before I know it I've dashed out the room, swearing I saw a faint smile flicker on Haruhi's face. And for the very first time in a long time; I felt free. I can do this. I can be with Kaoru. Because I know, deep down inside, we are meant to be together.


	10. Chapter 10 KAORU

**Chapter Ten**

_Kaoru_

Darkness. A pale sheet of gray. The air of nothingness that surrounds my existence. A soul with no place to roam. A heart broken soul. Oh, that is me.

This music is so....sad. Whose singing? It's the radio, but that voice is so familiar, or is it? I'm in a daze. I'm floating through air. Nothing seems to make sense anymore. Nothing but the pain aching in my cheast. On the left side. In my heart. Do I....still have a heart? When you have no one to love, do you still have that organ that produces nothing _but _love? Because I feel nothing. I'm numb.

I put my hopes up too high. All I did was make myself sink into this depressing state. And maybe I knew I'd end up like this all along. Alone. With no sound but that soft singing from the radio. But my heart still wont beat. It never will.

Life means nothing now. It is but a vague dream. Each day a replica of the day before. Because I know all those efforts were for no nothing. Those feelings were for nothing. And this pain is for nothing.

I should die.

Hikaru and I were born twins. We share the exact same DNA, but we aren't exactly alike. I wonder if it'd be easier if I just dissapeared? If this house would be less stressful if there was one less person making a commotion. Everyone wouldn't hate Hikaru because they could tell him apart from his dead brother; and then he can rightfully fall in love.

But how should I do it? I hold my breath in. Ten seconds. Thirty seconds. Fifty seconds. Breathe. That was stupid. Maybe....a gun? We didn't have one in the house and I wasn't exactly looking forward to pointing it to my head. Besides, I sort of want to.....suffer.

Oh, a perfect idea. I go into mom's design room. I find a long tight heavy rope, who knows what she was using for? I go back into the main hall and knot it in just the right places. Then I hang the noose upon the ceiling fan. And as I stood there on that chair, I pondered if I should right a suicide note. Leave behind the feelings I had for Hikaru. The regrets I had. The mistakes I wish I could take back. But then I realized that that would just bring more sorrow.

I hung onto the rope tightly, preparing to jump.

This is the end.


	11. Chapter 11 HIKARU

**Chapter Eleven**

_Hikaru_

For some reason, as I walk home today, everything seems so bright. I guess it's from realizing that I do care for Kaoru; and that I need to tell him my feelings. I could practically skip all the way home, but I decided to take it slow and enjoy the things surrounding me. Like the leafs that hung from the leaning trees, and the flowers that bloomed around the sidewalk. The birds that flew around and the children that played and laughed in the park. After today I'll be able to share all of this with Kaoru.

I began crossing my fingers out of nervousness. Yes, I was still uneasy about confessing all these strange emotions that I couldn't name. But I was also relieved that I could get all of this off my shoulders. And hey, maybe he's been going through the same thing. By the time I got to the front door my hands were twisted together like a pretzel.

First I untwisted my fingers. Then I reached into my bag to dig out the house key. I grumbled when I couldn't find it. So I took it off my shoulders to look for it properly. Finally I had found it and unlocked the front door.

I've always wondered what it took to drive someone to suicide. I mean, who was _that _depressed that they'd want to kill themselves? To close their eyes for the very last time, never see another day again; all on their own free will? It just never made sense to me. Because Their cant be enough starvation, that food cant cure. There can't be enough hate, that love cant cure. I guess we just have to get there in time.

So when I open the front door to my house, and I see Kaoru standing on that chair, his eyes as big as watermelons, all those thoughts wash away and my emotions replace them.

"Kaoru don't!"

He looks at me and his eyes grow just a little wider. I'd run to him, but my feet are to heavy for me lift as I watch the sight unfold before me. As Kaoru wraps the noose around his head. As he kicks the chair away from his feet. What was I thinking, that I could stop him? That he'd stop for me? But…he has to stop. I have to stop him. But he's already hanging, choking, I run to the kitchen.

I fumble around for dad's hunting knife. I feel so numb. So dead. So useless. I'm just wasting my time. Then I find it, tucked away in a drawer, and I run back to the hallway. It felt like everything was on slow motion as I cut away at the rope. Kaoru was fighting against me, I ignored him because if I had paid any attention I would've broke down crying.

God must have been on my side that day when I had finally cut through the rope. I caught Kaoru as he fell with the rope. We landed on the floor. And everything was silent. As if what had just happened knocked the breath out of us. When it really on knocked the senses out of me.

Kaoru clenched tightly on my shirt and looked into my eyes. I broke down crying and hugged him tightly.

"How could you?" It sounded more like he cheated on me.

I sobbed into his shirt.

"Why would you ever put me through something like that?" I sat back up, "Can't you see Kaoru? I can't live without you. What would I do if I had been-"

I stop. Because I don't want to think about if I had been too late. If I had been just a few minutes behind. And what I would find. I clenched onto him. Half of me was relieved that I could feel him in my arms. The other half of me was pissed that he would've made me go through losing him.

"Don't ever do that again."

"Will you get off of me already?"

I look up. His yes are fierce and full of hatred. But there's also a lining of tears. Why was he being like this? He jumps up, pushing me off of him.

"I can't take all these lies!" He yells. I stare blankly at him. Lies? Then Kaoru darts out the door. It took me a moment before I could get over my shock and chase after him.

It had started raining.

I had a hard time trying to find Kaoru. The rain was too heavy. I finally spotted him a few ways away and began catching up. It was hard to run in rain, I kept slipping and falling. Yet Kaoru stayed ahead of me, never missing a step.

"Slow down Kaoru!" I yelled. But that just made him gain speed.

Finally we were nearing out old shed, was he going to lock himself in there? I had to catch him before he reached the door. And as I gained momentum, my heart racing, I slipped and pinned Kaoru onto the wall. God was looking out for me today.

"Look at me."

"No!" His back faced the wall. I took him by his shoulders and turned him around.

"What is wrong with you?!"

And then I watched the build up of anger rise in his eyes. And he clenched his fists and narrowed his eyes, I expected the worst.

"**Can't you see I love you?!?!?!**"


	12. Chapter 12 KAORU

Chapter Twelve

_Kaoru _

I can't believe the words that have just escaped my mouth. And apparently, neither can Hikaru. Because he's staring at me in shock. I can't believe how incredibly stupid I am! I push Hikaru away from me and run back home. I look behind my shoulder once. He's not following me. Why did I have to go and ruin everything? Why couldn't I have just died?

By the time I get home I'm soaked from rain and tears. But that doesn't slow me down as I race to our room and pull out a suitcase from beneath our bed. I just need to get away from here. Very far away. Because I know how awkward it would get if I stuck around. And I don't want Hikaru looking at me as if I were disgusting. It'd just brake my heart. More than it already is.

I should've just kept my mouth shut. Hidden these feelings until the very end. If only Hikaru hadn't came home when he did. Then none of this would've happened. I wouldn't be going through this. Actually, I'd probably be burning in hell.

"You're leaving?"

I turn around to face the door. Hikaru's standing there, looking at me, then the floor. I begin packing the suitcase.

"Yes. I have to leave."

"Where are you going?"

"I don't know yet." I'll decide at the airport.

"Can't I come too?"

Don't say that you idiot. Don't ask me that question when all it does is hurt me. And before I can stop it the tears are coming again and I feel so vulnerable and stupid. I hurriedly wipe away the tears with my sleeves, but they just keep coming. Because I guess I knew, no matter how much I secretly hoped, he would _never _love me. Not in a million years. He probably wants to go away to discuss this matter privately. Then he'll leave me. He'll say being apart is the best. And I don't think I can handle those words being spoken out loud.

I shake my head, "You can't come."

"So your leaving me."

Isn't it obvious? I'm leaving because of you. Because of me. Because of everything! Because of those words that I had to shout. Because everything will just turn out all wrong if I stay.

"Kaoru?"

I turn to him again. He's looking down at the floor, his hair masking his eyes. Then he jerks his head back up and stares into my eyes. I cringe a bit, his eyes are fierce and different. And all of a sudden he pounces on me, and we land onto the bed, the suitcase falls to the ground. He pins my hands behind my head. I struggle to get away, I don't understand what's happening. But he's too strong for me and I finally give up. I open my eyes and stare into his; and all I can see is hurt. Pain. I don't understand anything anymore.

And to make matters more confusing he presses his lips against mine, good and hard, and I close my eyes tight because not only is it a surprise, it's a welcomed surprise. Please don't tell me I'm dreaming. But the way he's unbuttoning my shirt makes it all so real; it could never be this realistic in a dream. I could never feel this excited, and maybe a bit scared, in a fantasy.

Yet, why was he showing that he had feelings for me all of a sudden? Was it just because I had confessed to him? Or maybe he had been harboring these feelings too. But before I can ask him anything he kisses me again. This time with more passion. More love. This time with tongue. But I don't want to go all the way without knowing his true meaning for his actions, so I rest my hands agains this cheast, before he can go any farther. And he doesn't complain or resist. He stops and leans his head against my shouler.

"I'm....a bit confused." I whispered.

"Yeah, me too." He sighed.

"Do you-I mean-are you-er, how do I explain this?" I could feel myself growing red.

He backs up and looks into my eyes again. Oh. That's all the answers I need. But he goes far beyond that; kisses me and whispers so softly in my ear that it makes my skin chill;

"I love you too."

And we're lost again. Lost in kisses. In touches. In lust. He holds me up, my hands clawing into his skin, as he works on me. Strokes me in a rhythm that is so undescribable. My entire body shivers at his single touch. And I know he loves the way my body moves and begs because that just makes him do more. Makes him go faster. Makes him go harder. And makes me brake out into extacy. And now we're both messy. Both sticky. But we're both so vulnerably in love.

And then, as if I wasn't being selfish enought, we fall back onto the bed and he forces himself inside of me. Pain sprouts and spreads and I bite my lips to keep myself from crying or screaming. But once he thrusts himself into me enough times, I join the rhythm and begin kissing and licking. I don't want to be the only one enjoying our love making.

And amongst our mess. Along the lust. And during the love. i can't stop myself from feeling complete. From feeling free. Because now I know that without Hikaru i'll never be full again. He's not only my identical twin. He's my partner. He's my lover. He's my destiny. We were meant to be. And nobody can stop us. I wont let them.

Because I have never been as happy as I have been in my entire life.


	13. Chapter HIKARU

Authors note: Hello everyone! This sadly; is the very last chapter (cries) i don't know why, but when i finish a story or book or series etc. I get really depressed and sad. Is that stupid? But I want to thank all my readers from the bottom of my heart! And there will be more stories i can promise you that! If you want more on my stories you can look it up on my profile or just keep a look out. But right now i'm working on; the only sanctuary. And then there will be ANOTHER Hikaru/Kaoru story! I'm not giving any details away (laughs) But I will look forward to your reviews and suggestions! So please; Enjoy the last chapter of that guilty feeling! (brakes down in sobs)

* * *

Chapter Thirteen

Hikaru

I can't breathe. There's something pressing hard against my cheast. I squeeze my eyes tight and try to remeber everything that's happened. The touching, the kissing, the lust. I blushed. Oh yeah, we slept together. I opened my eyes, and there his hand lying on my cheast, was Kaoru fast asleep. I smiled. He felt so warm. So safe. I wrapped my arms around him.

The smell of his hair sent chills down my body. i loved him so close to me, I never want us to be apart. I feel really stupid when I think about how I had worried over his feelings for me. That I thought he'd never like me. But in the end he did. We were, I guess, always meant to be. We came into this world together. I wouldn't leave it without him. That'd be just too lonely.

Half of me enjoys him sleeping so peacefully, but the other half wants to wake him up and talk. To delve deeper into him; figure him out. Whats he want in life? With our relationship? Does he expect something, has he planned it all out? Suddenly I get all over whelmed. We're a couple now. We have to go on dates. And buy flowers. I have to shower him with gifts and affection and-

"Hikaru."

I look down. Kaoru's eyes are still closed. His breath is still even. He's still fast asleep. He's dreaming about me. I smile to myself, a bit flattered, and I know that I don't need to worry about those things. Because I'm so insanely in love. Worry will only brake me down. That's what the future's for. So I intwine our identical hands and lay beside my mirror. And I close my eyes and know that;

Today is the first day of the rest of our lives.


End file.
